Little Johnny hadn't spoken a word in all his six years of life. Finally, one morning at breakfast he cried out, 'Mum, the toast's burnt!' His amazed and delighted mother hugged him joyfully and asked, 'Johnny, why haven't you spoken before?'

'Well,' he replied, 'everything's been all right up till now.'

Two little boys are sitting on the beach examining each other's navels. 'What are they?'

'Well, when you're born there's a piece of rope hanging out there. And they cut it off and twist the end around and tape it inside.'

'What for?'

'So you won't go psssshhhhh and go down.'

A little girl was sitting at the table drawing. Her mother said, 'What are you drawing, darling?'

The little girl said, 'I'm drawing a picture of God.'

Mother said, 'But how can you do that, dear? Nobody knows what God looks like.'

'They will when I've finished.'

Where did I come from, Mum?' asked a six-year-old. Mum had been dreading the question but decided against euphemism. She gave the little boy a very frank, candid description beginning with the sex act and concluding with the dramas of the delivery room. She then awaited his reaction.

'I just wondered,' said the child. 'The boy who sits in front of me came from New Zealand.'

A four-year-old was in church on Sunday when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to understand and was not allowed to take part in the Communion. Later, the collection plate came by and stopped in front of him. His mother leaned over and tried to coax the coin out of his clenched fist. He shouted, 'If I can't eat, I won't pay!'

A small girl went out to where her father was working in the garden and said. 'Daddy, what does sex mean?' Dad scratched the side of his jaw and wondered if he'd heard right.

What does what mean?' he asked.

'Sex,' she repeated.

'Why ... er ... why do you want to know what sex means?'

'Because Mummy told me to tell you lunch will he ready in a couple of them.'

Young boy came home from school and asked his mother, 'What is vice?' She stammered that his father knew more about that sort of thing.

When Dad got home she said, 'Now's the time to tell our son about the facts of life.' So he took his son into the garden and decided to go the whole hog. He told the lad about sexual intercourse and masturbation and oral sex and prostitution and ejaculation and multiple orgasms and the G-spot. The boy stood there with his mouth open. 'Gee, thanks, Dad.'

'That's all right, son, but why did you ask about vice?'

'Cos they made me Vice Captain at school!'

Mum was having the dickens of a time getting her son ready for school. 'I'm not going,' he screamed. 'The teachers all make fun of me and the kids all hate me. I'm just not going anymore.'

'I'll give you two reasons that you will go, son.' said the mother. 'First you are 49 and second, you're the headmaster.'

The little boy was to start school and his mother, anxious to give him confidence, said she would take him to meet the teacher. 'Then you'll stay at school until you're 15 and might, in later life, become Prime Minister.'

The little boy started to quiver, his eyes moistened and a tear rolled down his cheek. His mother asked him, 'What's wrong?'

And he stammered, 'Mum, you won't forget to come and get me when I'm 15, will you?'

A young man can't believe his luck when he was allocated a seat beside a very attractive girl on flight to Sydney, and decides to strike up a conversation. So he starts by asking her where she is going.

'I'm going to a nymphomaniacs' convention in Sydney,' replies the girl.

He suddenly becomes very interested, and asked her, 'What sort of men do you like?'

'I like policemen,' she replies, 'because they 'big and strong and honest.'

'I see,' says the young man, 'well, what's you second choice?'

'Cowboys,' she says, 'because they look so manly, with their leather and spurs and horses.'

'What about your third choice?' he asks. 'Well, I like Jewish men because they're artistic sensitive and caring.'

'What's your name?' she asks the young man 'I'm Sergeant Hopalong Bernstein.'

A boy applied for a job as a men's convenience attendant after his mother had seen an ad in the paper. He was interviewed by an old bloke sitting by a kerosene fire who said, 'Right oh, you can start. Fill out this form.' The boy said, 'I can't write.'

'Well,' said the old bloke, 'you don't qualify for the job.' So the boy went away.

On the way home, he bought some apples for 20c and thought he'd try to sell them for 40c. Years passed, and he finished up with twenty fruit shops and finally became a millionaire. One day at the bank the manager asked him to sign some papers. 'Sorry,' he said, 'I can't write.' The manager said, 'You can't write? Good heavens, what would you have become if you'd been able to write?'

'An aged toilet assistant,' replied the man.

Several boys from Maribyrnong State School spend their lunchtime playing by the Maribynong Creek. When they arrive back late the headmaster hauls them up to his office for an explanation. The first boy explains, 'Sir, we were just throwing peanuts into the creek.'

The headmaster lectures him severely, first for being late and, more especially, for wasting good food in a world where so many are starving. He orders him to write a hundred lines: 'Waste not, want not.' The second boy offers the same excuse and receives the same censure and penalty.

Now it's the third boy's turn to be questioned. Looking a bit bedraggled, he looks up at the headmaster and says, 'Sir, I'm Peanuts.'

Four young bulls were boasting of their plans for the future.

'I'm going to Rome to become a Papal bull,' said one.

'I'm going to become a stock market bull,' said another.

'I want to be a bull in a china shop,' said the third.

‘Well, I'm not going anywhere,' said the fourth. 'I shall stay here for heifer and heifer and heifer.'

Bruce and Simon were checking out the junk shops in the hope of finding something of value for their antique stall at the Paddo Market. In the doorway of a particularly grotty shop, Bruce noticed a cat lapping milk out of a really great Royal Doulton saucer. He nudged Simon and gave him a knowing wink. Then, acting very casual, Bruce said to the old codger running the shop, 'That's a very nice cat. Like to sell him?'

Well,' said the old codger, 'I might be willing to let you have him for, say, ten bucks.'

Simon picked up the cat and said, 'We might as well take the saucer as well, seeing that he's used to drinking from it.'

'No way,' said the codger.

'Well, could we buy it from you?'

'No way.'

'But why?'

'Because thanks to that saucer I've already flogged eighty-seven cats.'

A young man lived in a garden flat in Paddington with a dog and three cats. He named the dog and two of the cats George. The third cat had no name. 'Why such an odd arrangement?' asked his next- door-neighbour.

'Well,' replied the young man, 'when I return home from work in the evening. I go to the back door and call "George, George. George", and they all come in.'

‘But what about the third cat?’ queried the neighbour.

‘Oh,’ said the young man, ‘he never goes out’.

A bloke goes to the CES to get a job. The only one that's available is at Taronga Zoo. On arrival he's told the gorilla has just died but, luckily, they've managed to preserve its skin. His job is to wear it, to pretend to be a gorilla until another can be shipped from Africa.

The days went by and he settled into the new job, coming to thoroughly enjoy his carefree existence, munching bananas and swinging from branch to branch, watched by enthralled spectators. However, he became too enthusiastic and, swinging too far, landed in the lions' cage. As he pulled himself to his feet one of the lions growled fiercely and he ran to the bars screaming for help. Whereupon he heard one of the lions snarling, 'If that dopey idiot doesn't shut up, we'll all lose our jobs.'

An English tourist finds a bedraggled penguin on the beach at Bondi and asks a nearby cop what to do with it. 'I'd take it to the Taronga park Zoo, mate.' Off goes the tourist.

Next day, to the policeman’s astonishment, there's the Pom and the Penguin waddling along Bondi Beach together. 'Hey, you,' says the cop, 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo.'

‘I did,' said the tourist, 'and he enjoyed it so much that I'm taking him to the pictures today.'

A businessman, disappointed in his career, decided to volunteer for the first brain transplant. A brilliant surgeon offered him a choice of three samples from his brain bank- one from a leading brain surgeon at $1000, one from a leading research scientist at $1000 and one from a retired politician at $5000. He enquired why the last one was so much dearer. 'It's never been used,' said the brain surgeon.

The Senator was staying at a hotel in Los Angeles where there was a convention of comic book superheros - Batman, Spiderman, Wonderwoman, etc. At breakfast the Senator was interrupted by the arrival of Superman, who said he was feeling the worse for wear after a heavy night. Button enquired what had taken place. Superman said that he'd come back to his room after a party and was preparing for bed when his x-ray vision revealed that Wonderwornan was lying naked in the next room. Superman said he could do nothing else but crash through the wall, landing on the bed. So the Senator said to Superman, 'Well, that must have surprised Wonderwoman!' To which Superman replied, 'Not nearly as much as it surprised the invisible Man!'

A lawyer was sitting in his office one afternoon, all by himself, doing some paperwork, when suddenly there's a big puff of smoke in the corner and the smell of brimstone. When the smoke cleared the lawyer saw - the Devil.

He said. 'What can I do for you?'

The Devil said, 'I want to offer you a great deal.' 'I'm a lawyer, I'll tell you whether this deal is great or not. What are the terms?'

The Devil said, 'Well, first of all, I guarantee that you'll live to be at least 150 years of age and that you'll have the body and lust of a teenager and an endless succession of nymphomaniacal secretaries, each one of which will be more beautiful, voluptuous and enthusiastic than the last one. Women will do anything you want - all you'll have to do is think about it. Moreover, you'll have a job with the biggest law firm in Melbourne. You just name it, you'll be the head of that law firm on the most fabulous six-figure salary. You'll have eight weeks holidays every few months if you want.'

The lawyer said, 'Hold on, this sounds too good. What do I have to give in return?'

The Devil said, 'Oh, it's very simple. Your faithful wife of twenty-four years and your two beautiful children will have to die right now, in extreme agony, and go to hell to burn for the rest of eternity.'

The lawyer paused for a minute and said, 'Oh, all right, but what's the catch?'

Mary was a healthy, vigorous, octogenarian. She was being interviewed about her secret for such a long and happy life.

Couple of blokes get off in a balloon. They're determined they are going to stay up longer than anyone else in ballooning history. But two days later there's a huge storm that wrecks all their radio equipment. And while they're being buffeted around, their food falls overboard. Worse still, they don't know where they are. They might be anywhere. On the other side of the world. So they decide to lose altitude until they come in sight of land. Down they go, very slowly, descending through the clouds. And they sigh with relief because they're over land. Peering down from the basket they see cars and think, 'Well, they're driving on the left side of the road. That means we're probably in the UK or Australia. And they're playing tennis. So it must he a civilised country.'

They come within hailing distance of the tennis court and call out to one of the players, 'Hello, down there!'

The two fellows stop playing tennis and look up. "Yeah, what do you want?'

'Where are we?'

'You got any money?'

'Yes, what do you want with money?'

'Throw it down,' says the man on the ground. So they throw a wallet down and one of the blokes on the ground picks it up, takes the money out, splits it with the fellow on the other side of the net and puts the wallet in his pocket. Finally he says, 'Now, what was your question?'

'Where are we?'

'You're in a balloon.'

At that moment they rise above the clouds and the two partners look at one another helplessly. 'That was useless,' said one.

'Now, at least we know where we are.'

'What do you mean we know where we are?'

'Well, we're over a civilised country. They drive on the left hand side of the road. And those two fellows are lawyers.'

'How can you tell they're lawyers?'

Well, first of all, they wouldn't do a thing for us until we paid them. And what they said was absolutely true and totally useless.'

University research psychologists decided not to use white rats in experiments any more. They opted to use lawyers instead. First, they're much more plentiful - you can get lawyers anywhere. Second, sometimes experimenters get a little too attached to their white rats and if something nasty happens to them you feel bad. And with lawyers you just don't have that problem. Third, they've found out there are some things that white rats just won't do.

But the latest development is they've stopped using lawyers. They're back to using white rats again. The reason's simple. They weren't into it very long before they found out that lawyers aren't that close to human beings.

'An engineer, a doctor and a lawyer were on a ship. It began taking water and sinking, and the cowardly crew abandoned the ship and the passengers. The three found themselves trying to stay afloat in a two-man dinghy. It was obvious that it was not going to work, and that sacrifice by one of the three was necessary to enhance the survival prospects of the other two. Without fuss, the lawyer went over the side and struck out confidently for what looked like a smudge of land on the horizon.

Suddenly, several menacing triangular fins broke the surface and the two in the dinghy thought the lawyer was about to pay the ultimate price. To their amazement, however, two of the sharks started leading the way to the island in the distance, while the remainder formed a protective circle around the lone swimmer.

Watching dumbfounded from the dinghy, the doctor stammered, 'That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!'

'Not amazing,' replied the engineer, 'simply a matter of professional courtesy.'

A Queensland farmer is seeking damages for injuries sustained when his horse was hit by a car. In court, the defence counsel asks. 'After the accident, didn't someone come over to you and ask how you felt?'

Farmer: 'Yes, I believe that is so.'

Defence counsel: -'And didn't you tell him that you never felt better in your life?

Farmer: 'Yes, I guess I did.' The defence counsel then sits down and the plaintiffs counsel stands up.

Plaintiffs counsel: 'Will you tell His Honour the circumstances in which you made the response?'

Farmer: 'Yes. Not long after the accident, my horse, which had sustained broken legs, was thrashing around. A policeman came up to the horse, put his revolver to its ear and shot it dead. Then he went over to my dog, which had a broken back and was howling miserably' He put his revolver to the dog's ear and shot it. Then he came over to me and asked, "How do you feel?"

I said, "I never felt better in my life."'

An American, a Frenchman and an Australian were sitting in a bar overlooking Sydney Harbour. 'Do you know why America is the wealthiest country in the world?' asked the American. 'It's because we build big and we build fast. We put up the Empire State Building in six weeks.'

'Six weeks, mon dieu, so long!' snapped the Frenchman, 'ze Eiffel Tower we put up in one month exactement. And you,' he continued, turning to the Australian, 'what has Australia done to match that?'

'Ah, nuthin' mate. Not that I know of.'

The American pointed to the Harbour Bridge. 'What about that?' he asked.

The Australian looked over his shoulder. 'Dunno, mate. Wasn't there yesterday.'

An engineer and a scientist met in a pub to a mathematical problem. On a table 4 metres away was a carton of beer. The problem was to reach the table, with a first step of any size, a second step half the first, a third step half the second and so on.

Quickly, the scientist said that this was a geometric progression, was asymptotic to zero, and no matter how many steps you took, you'd never reach the table, and said it couldn't be done. The engineer leapt 2 metres, strode 1 metre, minced half a metre, leaned over, picked up the beer triumphantly declared, 'Near enough’s good enough, mate.'

A Minister was asked to give a talk at local women's health symposium. His wife asked about his topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing." "Oh, that's nice," said his wife.

The next day at the grocery shop, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognised the minister's wife. "That was certainly an interesting talk your husband gave yesterday," she said. "He has a unique perspective on the subject."

Somewhat puzzled, the minister's wife replied, "It's odd that you should think so. He's only done it twice, He threw up the first time and the second time his hat blew off."